Post-DCON revival

  It's been one year since our DFam retired at the Woodland Hills Marriott (henceforth dubbed the "DCON of tears"). Despite the fact that I signed up to do a workshop, I never honestly thought I'd be back. I remember wanting to get away from Chris Plasterer because I was sick of the way "things were done," crying because I really would miss everyone, even texting Camille like I was drunk on my 21st birthday. 

  Right when I got there, I was a wash of emotions. I couldn't believe the feelings of nostalgia as I walked into the Torrance Marriott Terrace Ballroom last Saturday, with all the chairs set up for a House of Delegates. I was scared to see all the people I hadn't talked to all year, some purposely, some more out of shame and awkwardness (Dfam, like Christine and Danny; the SD amoeboid gang; the Macky). I was excited and nervous for the workshop me and James were hosting (can't let James down!). I even had the tense feeling of anticipation- seeing my club (notice the present tense)- Berkeley Circle K with all its new members who would think of me as Alex the Kiwanian (would they like me? would they lump me in the creeper CAYP category?) . 

  Despite whatever awkwardness I preconceived, stepping through the doors to DCON'10 was stepping into the Circle K addiction all over again. I loved it, every second of being there. I felt a part of my DFamily, even if I avoided looking at the reunion emails. I was hanging out in workshops with Tammy T and Brian, even if I wasn't there all year or even good friends with them. Basically, the magical Circle K feeling of family enveloped me and it didn't matter that I was only there for the day to deliver a workshop- I was there because it was natural that Alex would be there. 

Before our DFamily took a group picture, after I asked "What about Monica and Bubba?", right before the camera flash went off, Honyin rushes from out of no where and yells "youoooo bitches! i see how it is! " 

Classic Pose

James' and my workshop: Teamwork and Leadership was awesome. Just the right amount of people showed up, great group of members who listened and cared, even if we ran out of time 

Berkeley group picture after Saturday Night dinner

To recap a little of what happened to me during DCON:

-Sitting next to Brian, Tammy, James in Vijay's Improv workshop trying to come up with "185 ___ went into a bar" puns

-me and James trying to get into Honors Reception without badges even though the SAA's didn't believe we were Kiwanians. "But look... that's our faces on the Honors Reception Invitations! That's us from last year! ... and our faces our on the Honors Reception VIP Badges too! That's our pictures!!!" 

- Trying to make up with Danny for not talking to him or seeing him much this past year, only to be tittie twisted 

-Seeing Mimi (so excited and happy for everyone, saying IT'S ALL WORTH IT) next to me during Awards night, priceless 

-Watching all the talent show acts and seeing how sexy Mimi hair tossed :) and then being freaked out of my mind when stupid UCI clowns came on.

-Wanting to change out of my clothes, forgetting my car keys were in Kenneth's room with my backpack, forgetting the room keys were with James, finding out the room keys were with Kenneth on the dance floor, finding out my phone died so I had to search! 

-Giving Drew a hug at the end of the night, along with some SD reunions

-Staying up ALL night until the end at 6:30 and then driving back home with the sunrise feeling like your heart is going to burst from happiness (ps, never drive home in the morning if you are going east, the glare is killer) 

  After that one day that managed to bring resolution to a whole year of questions and awkwardness, I discovered I'm still in love with Berkeley Circle K. The new freshmen are already passionate (at least they appear so, who knows what the year may bring) and everyone brings something different to the table. 

  Dang you Circle K. As much as I want to grow up and out of it like a normal adult, I found myself still sucked back into it. I think I need an Intervention Party (though the trouble is, all my friends need them too I think). It's definitely the people. As long as the people who I find myself drawn to, my family when I was away from home, are connected to Circle K, I am to, just got to accept it.

-deeper potentially bordering emo stuff-

  After DCON and a lot of sleep, I've tried to get myself back on track.   
  I stopped talking to the SD boys because I didn't want to get sucked into their world, complete with drama, to the point of being unable to escape. I didn't want to fully invest myself into a close friendship where I knew deep down I would always be a +1 to their three or foursome. I avoided DFam reunions because I still had that bitter taste of politics and working with Chris in my mouth. I thought I didn't need a family that might be more in the moment, only while we're working together. So what did I do? I avoided them, leading into a spiral of feeling avoiding because I felt awkward because I avoided them. I was scared of the awkwardness that I knew I personally was not grown up enough to handle. (Big major flaw discussion here, in fact, one of my biggest flaws that all my friends know about) 

  I'm kind of ashamed that I listened to "Runnin'- Jesse McCartney" a lot this week. Once again, a realization that I always run away from my problems. If something or someone is deeply bothering me, cut it out cleanly, avoid it, and move on (move on to the awkward/avoid cycle anyway). Well, Karma's a bitch and it happened to me. (the irony did not escape me either as it happened)

  Which is why at DCON, after dinner, I wanted to do something, I wanted to apologize, mostly I wanted hugs. I looked for SD, I looked to Macky, I looked for Danny. I couldn't find Macky but we emailed after (always the indirect emails right?!).   
   Instead of Runnin' away, away from mixed feelings, confusing emotions, misunderstandings, I wanted to move forward! 

  After all these things happened, and after our traditional Berkeley nightcap, I was filled with this sense of hope and positivity. 

  After DCON 09, I thought I knew what I wanted. I wanted to "cut the fat" and only develop friendships who would treasure me like I treasured them. I wanted to finally be a man and grow up. I wanted to find myself. 

  Well, after one seemingly unproductive year filled in with drama (who would have guessed, me? drama?), and after four crazy years of Circle K, I discovered more people I never knew I needed (and now can't live without) (and changed my definitions of a true friend). I learned that growing up at 22 and acknowledging I have to grow up more isn't so bad because it just means I have a long road ahead of me (I like adventures). I see that I'll learn about myself even without all the ho hum of a search. An hour ago, I just wanted to blog about DCON and my weekend in an attempt to blog. Well, an hour later, I delved into a reflection about one of my biggest flaws. If that isn't randomly finding myself, I don't know what is. 

  I've made a lot of mistakes and things can't just go back to the way they were before a lot of the times. For instance, I've kept my mouth shut on whatever secrets I'm privy to, but people probably still think I'll blab (stupid college gossip Alex, ruining my integrity). It's time to make amends and try to show people I can grow up and be a better Alex 2.0, all the perks, none of the jerks.