Today I had dinner with Thuyet, Julie, Wen, Ling, and Lusha as a last hurrah before Wen goes to Panama for a couple weeks. All you can eat sushi, why do I enjoy you so much? And since I'm asking myself questions, Alex, why do you put yourself in fun, but equally now awkward situations?

I guess I'll start from the top. This week I didn't know it, but I've been having sympathy man period with Agustin. After a really good weekend in Berkeley, reuniting with old friends and reliving good college times, I came back feeling kind of blah. We just had a fun-packed, friend-packed 3 days where I basically had a sleep over and had adventures with my best friends ( I love overnight outings!). Now, I was at home with nothing to really occupy me. 

Nothing but thoughts of SINGLENESS. 

I'm not desperate to meet a girl and get in a relationship. I'm not feeling any pressure or physical yearning. I'm really starting to worry that I'm destined to be the Joey of my Friends fantasy, the single guy of the group who hangs out with the couples (though without the tons of hookups, nor the charm). It's just that it's been painfully obvious just how I am surrounded by couples. How glaringly obvious how single I am. So.... I dwelled on it a lot this week. So did Agustin. We're like bros with the same so's (play on souls).  

I can't say I was emo or anything. I thought about my ex's and the one that still matters to me. I thought about how immature and already damaged I was in college. I thought about how I'm ready to give all of myself to make someone other than myself happy because I was so selfish. That's how I know I found her- when I can stop thinking about myself and only about how good I feel making her feel good!

But whatever, back to tonight. Couple. Couple. Half of a couple. Me. As much as I really like hanging out with them, tonight I felt like a single guy hanging out with couples. It's like a week changed my perception, partly because I had a man period week, partly because I was just more aware of it. I still had lots of fun and acted normally- half jerk, half happy jokester? but there were times I'd look around and feel that slight tinge of jealousy that I didn't have someone to put my arm around. 

There were other times when Julie would put her head on my shoulder and I felt weird when I didn't before, because I didn't want to cause any jealousy. I'm just that guy, who makes people comfortable enough to put their heads on me and I never shy away from friendly affection. I'm also single and therein lies the confusion and misunderstandings that can cause drama. I like my friends too much to even go anywhere near that, so I start feeling awkward. 

I don't know why I'm more sensitive about being single. With James and Amy, I feel completely at ease. That's probably a testament to how close I feel to both of them since I never ever feel like a third wheel. (or a testament at how they thankfully don't get gross in front of me) 

I guess a big part of it is that while I hope I don't feel self consciously single in a crowd, I hope that others don't begin to see "single" as a part of who I am. At Berkeley in Beta Lounge, our group shifted to me and describing my ideal woman - one of the words they used was "single", another was "black hair." I really hope people don't actually think I'm so desperate. I know we're all joking but I can definitely see a semblance of truth since well, I've been bemoaning my single status for like 6 years now. No one wants to be the Ted Mosby of the group. The hopeless single romantic, who is just that- hopeless. 

Being single and feeling single are two very different things. The first is a fact of my life at the moment. The latter is my dread. Being thought of as single, the very worst. 

On a sidenote to myself: 

Alex, move on. Don't dwell on the past. You've already have 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, way too many chances. You don't get anymore.